Monday, July 06, 2009

Of Loosemeat and Paper Sandwiches

Out of the ordinary and unlikely things seem to happen to me. Not big things, mind you. Just... unusual things. Take this for example.

About 3 or 4 years ago, we "found" a specialty meat shop (butcher shop I guess?) near our neighborhood. We love steak. And once we tried theirs, and their ground beef, hand-sliced bacon and roasts, etc. we vowed we were done with the Albertson's nearest our house as far as our meat purchases are concerned. (That damn Albertson's is another whole story in of itself -- to a person each and every one of my neighbors with whom I have discussed this store hates it quite passionately. And that was one of the first phrases Sami learned, "You hate this store, don't you Momma?" as I stamped angrily around its aisles trying desperately to find ill-placed items. Wow. Sorry. I seem to be rant-prone.)

And so quite literally, I never buy meat at this Albertson's. (Oh. And it smells really gross in their meat department. Always with the semi-rotting meat and seafood-gone-bad odiferousness. Geez. Okay. I'll stop it.) Except for on July 4th. I drove to my Happy Meat Place only to find they were closed. I thought they might be, but hoped they wouldn't be. But they were. So we went next door (the produce shop WAS open -- hooray!) and procured about 50 dollars worth of produce for 24 bucks. Love that shop too.

Because I had a hankering for hotdogs in the style of the Milwaukee Weiner House in Sioux City. (That link there is just to someone else writing about it. It only seems right that they don't seem to have their own website. They're old school big time.) A love of their dogs was borne unto me by my dad who loved eating there. And I can do a fairly decent rendition of their "chili" used on their dogs. Plus it is delicious as just a loosemeat sandwich -- that Midwestern staple also known as taverns, sloppy joes, and maid-rites. Plus? Loosemeat? I grew up hearing that name, but now after 20+ years away from the Midwest I realize that is a funny, funny-sounding name.

I bought 5 pounds of ground beef at the @#$$#! Albertson's meat department. I had in mind to freeze most of it, make my loosemeats (snerk), and make tacos, burgers, and spaghetti meat sauce later in the week. So "planning ahead" of me, no?

When I got home and started to divide it up (darn! why didn't I take photos?) I kind of noticed... something. Some kind of dark specks in it. Now, I'm a fairly queasy nonetheless enthusiastic carnivore anyway. Like, I've always said that if I had to kill it, clean it, and cut it there is a high likelihood I'd become a vegetarian. So I'm fearful that the dark specks are like, I don't know, hunks of congealed blood or something gross that won't really show up when I cook it. So I figure if I don't look too closely at it, everything will be okay. You know, once it is cooked and all.

And so I commence to said cooking of a pound of it -- the rest went into the freezer painstakingly labeled by my daughter in some illegible hyroglyphics. I added freshly ground pepper. And other stuff. And as it cooked, I noticed that the, um, pepper -- yes, that's what it was -- was quite prominently visible. Well, I told myself, you did use a large grind. Everything's okay.

Then I picked some of it out. And some more of it. And started putting the pieces of "it" on a paper towel. Then I got brave and put on my reading glasses to look more closely. It was black stuff. And it tore, really a lot like paper.

And I picked and I picked. And then I got the not yet frozen packages out of the freezer and looked more closely at them.

Something was wrong here.

I called the store manager and he told me to bring it in. Which I did. They were mostly nice about it (wait, though, the exception of course happened at the meat counter). Apologized. Asked me if I wanted replacement (I did). Asked me if they could also provide whatever else I had attempted to prepare for my meal in case they ruined a whole meal (I declined). The manager sent me back to the meat counter to get my replacement beef.

When I explained the situation to the Mean Lady at the meat counter. She did not apologize. She did not commisserate. She said, "Oh, that's just butcher paper." I said, "Butcher paper is white." She kept pointing to the butcher paper in the counter display like she was terribly irritated. Yep, it was still white. I go, "Um no. It wasn't white. It was black stuff." She rolled her eyes (!) at me and said, "There is black paper under the meat. Some probably stuck to it and went through the grinder." Like I was being a drama queen because I found foreign black bits in my meat. Lovely. I tell her I want the 5 pounds in 1 pound packages. I'm still striking a friendly tone when I say, "Because I already had to do it once -- figured I'd let you do the work this time around." In a nasty-ass voice Mean Lady says sarcastically, "Yeah. Thanks."

Store Manager not only gave me the new beef for free, but also refunded my money. I'm happy with that. No big deal. I entertained the idea of busting Mean Meat Counter Lady to him, but I just couldn't muster up the effort. She was just mean.

So I ask... what are the odds that the ONE time in 4 years I buy meat at Albertson's I get the one package of ground beef with weird crap ground up into it? Or (think ominous music) do they frequently grind up weird crap into their ground beef?

And more importantly? Once I convinced myself it was harmless black paper and that I had picked a goodly portion of it out? I ate a loosemeat and paper sandwich. And next I fed one to my daughter after determining I had no ill effects. No sense wasting a good batch of Milwaukee Weiner House loosemeat, I always say.

How about you? Anybody out there? What weird stuff have you found in your food?